Live Big - Post Transplant Thoughts

Original Post Date: May 22, 2007
Transplant Date: May 2, 2007


Full of calm and almost at peace
Resigned to what will come
Whether or not I know who it is from
I look at my family and then to my friends
I know that this is about to end
The struggles and the constant pain
I am ready to finally breathe again
I close my eyes and fight back tears
Excitement and anticipation
I open them up and I hear the words
The lungs are good we have to go
I say I love you and take one last look
Across my lips come the phrase
See you on the flip side
I lay back and get ready for the ride
I ask God to take care of me
Give me strength and protect me from harm
My fate is resting in the hands of his workers
I wake up in black in white
I see a faded image of my mom and feel her love for me
I can feel her touching my face (though she didn't - I could feel it)
I felt the tubes
I could hear the machines
I knew that it was done
I can still see the doc standing at the end of my bed
I can feel him holding my hand and telling me to breathe
Then he said "Lift your hand - move your feet - wave your other hand"
I remember the words "I am pulling the tube you have to breathe on your own"
I looked at the clock
I thought this is it
I had to work now
I was afraid I wasn't ready
Then I found out I was
I remember the first steps
I remember the excitement, the exhaustion, the looks
The looks of excitement from my family and friends
The looks that told me I was BACK
Like I had just been ripped out of some perilous abyss
Just like that I had been clutched from the hands of death
I didn't see myself for 6 days
I wouldn't look in the mirror
I didn't want to see the IVs and the puffy cheeks and the everything
I was told I looked great but was afraid of what I would see
I asked about life outside and constantly wanted to know what day it was
I started to learn about the prayers people were saying for me
I had never known
I didn't know I mattered to so many
I got stronger each day and I could feel the love healing me from all directions
I was never alone even when I was
I could hear and see the love and was of course sharing it in my medicated state
I walked with a walker that 2nd day and then the 3rd
I walked without a walker on the 3rd and 4th
I was already faster than I had been before
I started to realize the gravity of what I was going through
My life was no longer the same
I wasn't doing CPT and stopped nebs - for the first time in my life they weren't required
Day 6 rolled around and I made my way to the bathroom with my mom's help
She sat me down and left me to myself
I sat with my head down for a moment
Took a deep breath and raised my head
There I was - no makeup, unwashed hair, semi tired
I looked amazing I could see the tears come
I was a person again
I wasn't just an empty shell of what I had been years ago
I had life in my eyes - they were no longer dull
I didn't have to struggle to give them life and sparkle it just was
My cheeks were red - not slightly pink but bright red
My lips had gone from bluish to bright and red
I looked like a real person again
I sat there wiping tears away and thanking God and my angel my donor
I thanked him for sharing his life with me and for giving me my chance
I now have the chance to live the life I so desperately want but haven't been able
I finally gathered myself and got my mom to help me back to bed
I now find I like to see myself in the mirror
I can actually see myself and not my pain
I don't see just a tired worn out ragdoll of a body
I see someone with strength enough to conquer the world
I now have the strength and the doc gave me the wings to fly
I am getting stronger everyday
Looking forward to everything that the coming days and months and years will bring
I now know that I can plan and I know my life is just beginning
Last year this coming Christmas was an uncertainty
Everyone felt it and no one said it
We all knew I was fading and fading fast
My light was dimming and flickering a bit
But it stayed burning long enough to replace the bulb
I have found myself humbled and in awe of this life and these circumstances
I have been blessed in ways that many may never know
My life was a gift from God and now I have been given that gift once again
I have a new fondness for life
My bitterness is dissipating
My fears are being alleviated
I made it through what I thought would be the hardest thing ever
I have seen parts of my inner self that I never knew existed
I have gone places spiritually I never expected
I have had revelations that I never imagined or even thought of before
My life will never be the same
I am no longer living for just me
I am living for the person that couldn't live anymore
I am going to enjoy my life and live it to the fullest for BOTH of us
It is the only way I can think to justly serve his memory
I will do everything I can to live BIG
I want to LOVE big, LAUGH big, GIVE big, HUG big, LIVE big
I just want everything to be BIG
All the things worth it should be BIG
I want to let all the things that are not worth it to fall to the wayside
I am learning what it is to breathe again
To Laugh
To Hug
To Eat
To Kiss
To Smile
To Walk
To Ride a Bike
To COUGH – or not too
I am learning to live all over again
I am learning what each feeling means and what each thing does - when it works right
I am reaching out for familiarity but loving the unfamiliar too
I am just getting started on this road
I am looking SO forward to the winding twistiness that is sure to come
After all what is life without a few detours?
It makes sightseeing so much more fun
After all the best things in life are found on the road less traveled.